Explained: Top 7 Reasons Why People Ghost People They’ve Just Met
We all like to have closure about different events that happen in our lives. To get that closure, we all create a story about those events. Whether we get closure from someone or ourselves, we need to tell ourselves what happened in order to move on in different situations. It’s in our make as humans.
But, what kind of story do you create when you have decided to “ghost” or completely drop communication without an explanation? What do you tell yourself when someone has completely stopped communicating with you and you have no earthly idea why (considering you were actually feeling/liking them)? We may not always get the answers to our ‘why’ so subconsciously, we make things up to move forward.
“I was too much for him/her.”
“I have too much going on to worry about it.”
“She wasn’t ready for a real one.”
“I didn’t really like him anyway.”
“He does too much.”
“She is too needy”.
Whatever you tell yourself, whether or not you’re the “ghoster”, trust me there is a story in your head about what happened or what didn’t happen.
Recently, I read somewhere that ghosting is a sign of immaturity and a lack of communication. Initially, I disagreed but I can see many instances in which someone would be considered as immature if they don’t communicate that a relationship or situation is no longer for them. It is one valid truth, but not the truth overall.
Ghosting usually happens at the beginning or end of something. Usually, something is terribly wrong if ghosting happens in the middle of something, but we’re talking about when it happens the most; the beginning stages of meeting someone, or the cessation of a relation or courtship.
What we all need to understand is that it is common and most people ghost because of two things:
A change of mind.
It is anyone’s right to change their mind.
An explanation is not needed.
Not every person you come into contact with needs an explanation, your energy nor a plea about why you choose to go your own way.
So, why do people consider it immature?
Communication is an obvious factor when courting/dating someone. Chances are, the person who leaves has changed their mind. Ghosting is immature when two people who have been courting and talking constantly for months and then there is zero communication one day out of the blue. In some instances, communication is needed if another person changes their mind and no other huge factors are present. I will touch base on that a little later in the article.
I’ve heard and have experienced some wild folk in my day and it is exactly why I think of “ghosting” more as a boundary and protection of energy from either party.
My top 7 explanations of why people ghost other people after they’ve first met are:
There is no connection
I’ve had several conversations with men on and offline. On paper, they were great conversationalists, but in person, they were dry, narcissist, unwelcoming, or too touchy too soon. Usually, I completely stop all communication at this point. If I am uncomfortable, I move on because 10/10 I’ve stated my reasoning for being single and what I dislike when meeting someone. This becomes a boundary issue for me. If boundaries aren’t respected initially, I get ghost!
It could have very well been me or us mutually not feeling each other once we saw one another in a more intimate setting (dinner, movie, working out, etc.). Nevertheless, a connection was non-existent.
There have been times that I’ve texted someone all day and then our phone conversation was a complete turn-off. We’d ghost each other. It happens!
With these guys, there is no need for a heartfelt conversation about why it won’t work or what happened between us too (most of the time, it’s way too early for that).
Another example is when a guy expresses his interest and a woman doesn’t share the same energy. He usually knows what’s up so the two never speak again.
Sometimes two people ghost each other. It’s #FairGame!
They’re committed to someone
Another reason why men and women cease communication without warning is that they have partners that they are committed to and are living with. They never reveal those details. They just fall off the face of the earth because they are already involved, may have gotten caught or have decided not to go through with their decision. You can usually catch weird patterns with these kinds of people, but it is a true reason.
Sidebar: When I meet someone, I never really think a person is completely un-involved with someone else. There may always be a person lingering in the picture or background that they are either trying to get rid of, are bored with, have been with, or just hanging out with. All details aren’t necessary when getting to know someone initially. But, if you’re obligated and/or committed to someone, sticking around definitely should be a decision the other person should make. It should not be made for them.
Point is, men and women who randomly ghost people may have something else going on and have ventured out for a bit for whatever reason. Not your fault if blindly invited into a situation, but hey… it happens.
Identified red flags
Super easy reason to get passed on, in either direction with red flags. Everyone in the dating game is looking for something whether temporary or permanent. Those red flags look different for everyone but is a huge reason to get ghosted.
For the most part, women ghost men for the following red flags:
Lying (about how many children they have including ones on the way, their name, who they stay with, who they’re married to, who their dating, if/where they work and where they live)
Asking for a job or money (not kidding --men out here asking women for coins and positions y’all!)
Moving too fast (asking for sex too soon, talking about marriage consistently and too soon [let us get to know you first, DAMN!], asking for pics/nudes, invites to the house, asking for a relationship on the first date)
Worrisome (Calling back to back, texting about absolutely nothing “Good morning/night” and no conversation to follow, impatient)
Possessive/Aggressive (accusations, touching without permission, making threats jokingly and non-jokingly)
Guys ghost women because of these red-flags (thank the homies for sharing!):
She talks reckless (smart mouth, potty mouth, condescending, etc) ← Sis, this is not it!
Cocky and/or arrogance (always makes everything conversation about her, her body parts, what she can get, and the attention she gets)
Pretty and dumb; not very knowledgeable (I hear this a lot, c’mon ladies!)
No substance (she has nothing going for herself)
Needy (Asking for money, asking for rides/no car, calling and texting all the time, clingy)
Everyone has red flags for themselves and those red flags are also called alarms that tell you your boundaries will get violated and crossed. Some of us ignore them, others run! No matter how shallow you think a person’s preferences or boundaries are, it’s theirs and you can’t do a thing about it. You’re either in the dating game or you’re not.
You, me, WE aren’t immune or exempt from getting ghosted!
Timing is bad
Sometimes the timing is bad when you meet someone. You think that you’re ready and realize that you’re not. Here’s where a change of mind comes into play. If you’ve been single for a bit, you can relate. Sometimes you need more time to heal and give yourself self-love, but you’ve invited someone into your world who shouldn’t be there.
Maybe you need to get your things in order as an adult such as finding your own spot, getting your car fixed, maintaining a stable job, going to counseling, healing from your last relationship, or clearing up debt. Now, this may deserve a conversation if you’ve met someone really nice and choose to be upfront about why you will move around. Or, like most people, you can just let go and do you in the early stages. Use your discernment here.
Let me add…
The right person at the wrong time means the wrong person. Trust me. Timing is a legit reason to let go and save face or protect someone from a piece of your life you don’t want to bring them into.
Remember I mentioned the “Good Morning/Night” text with no conversation to follow as a red flag? It is a red flag because it shows lack of interest, extreme boredom and zero depth about a person. Women HATE this foolishness (with a strong ass passion).
If you have nothing to say, do not text. Ladies have this conversation all the time. If you aren’t trying to get to know us, see us, court us, understand what we have going on, learn what we are about as a human being, or get to the point of what you need, then stop texting this. We are good.
We think: What do you want? How is this beneficial to anyone? It is a waste of time. I refuse to engage after a few of these and so do other women. Ghosting due to lack of consistency in conversation on both ends is fair game.
From the fellas experience, I am told that many ladies have dry conversation too. They give short answers. They don’t even try to converse so they get “ghosted”! Most of the time, when women respond like this, there is no connection or a very weak one.
If you’re this type, expect to get ghosted at some point! If you prefer a different type of connection other than text or phone call, say that. Court the lady or ladies, initiate contact first. Show interest!
Ladies, if you know you don’t want a fella, stop wasting his time and money. Buy your own food and drinks! Court yourself until you find your vibe with the guy who is worthy of your time. If you can’t do this, please don’t be offended when you get cut off.
As a sapiosexual, this is one of my biggest turn-offs and partially why I can’t get past the first few conversations with a man. A guy who can’t hold a conversation is just not going to cut it. Furthermore, I guy who can’t send easy to read communication or speak to be understood is not my thing. I connect more with intellect than I do with style and possessions. Those are just accessories of a person. I connect with a nice flow of conversation over various topics of mutual interest.
If you’re a conversationalist reading this, you feel exactly what I am saying. A person who can’t carry a decent conversation, spell and use decent grammar with reasonable punctuation is a turn-off. Slang is perfectly fine if I know you know how to speak or use it correctly. Don’t think I am being too picky. Below is an example of the types of messages I receive:
“hey miss lady wyd my name is T and i like what i see can’t wait to coversate you with maybe we can have some salmon (pronounces the L) or something or if you like drinks that is cool too” .
Sometimes, I literally have to try to break down what the person is saying and dissect the conversation. Too much time. I think TF not.
Fellas, I have seen some trash in y’all inbox too like…
“why yu so sexxy… i wouldn’t no what to do with yu. wen can i c u”
That lazy mess will run a king off sis! Tighten up!
We who love a solid conversation like to learn. That means learning about a new person is fun and intriguing. Anything else is a waste of time. We like to think and be challenged. We like to understand and make informed decisions.
We can not do that if all we ever say to each other is “Good morning and how was your day” with nothing else to follow. We can’t do that if we have to take 10 mins doing grammar and spell check over a few sentences.
Sometimes the vibe is off and you can feel it. Something isn’t right. You don’t stick around to see what is wrong. You move on.
I am a person who knows what I feel before I can make sense of what I feel. I can feel someone’s bad energy and not know why. As an empath (a blossoming empath), this part sucks because I am still at a stage of recognition. I haven’t learned how to distinguish between my energy or another person’s energy when I feel bad vibes in some cases. I hate it because it causes delayed reactions from me. I think and replay things over and over again in my head until I tell myself a story and move on. This is how a lot of us work.
So when you know, you know and you don’t need to know why... You move on.
I admit that I have ghosted many people in my day. I’ve been ghosted as well and I don’t take it personally. I see it as the other party either doing themselves a favor by moving on or me favoring myself. Being ghosted is a blessing! You dodged a bullet.
I am not talking about or justifying ghosting in regards to people who have clearly built a rapport or routine with you and over time you don’t hear from them ever again. It leaves you wondering what happened. I get that. Think of it as immature or not, but people leave at their discretion. It’s your responsibility to pick up and move on with your life if it happens.
It’s not always fair in some cases, but it’s just what the person needs for them. Try not to internalize it. Ghosting is a ‘them’ problem or personal decision, it isn’t your problem.
What are your thoughts about ghosting someone? It isn’t a new thing people are doing. It’s just a new term for leaving without communication or an explanation about why. Comment below.