5 Toxic Personalities to Stay Away From
When I ran a marketing blog, there was a group of six women I’d Skype with to share goals and ideas in support of one another. The lady who organized the group had bad energy after our first meet. There was a lot of shade thrown towards me that the other women caught onto. There were phone calls after our meets to confirm that we were not all trippin'. After a third meet, half the group was aware and curious about the problem. I was on the defense.
During one of the meetings, a peer called me a content creation machine. She gave me compliments every call. Every time one would give me praise, she'll question 'what makes them think it'. She told one lady (paraphrased), "you're only saying that because you're her friend".
I didn’t understand.
Later, she sent me a personal message stating that there had been a misunderstanding. She told me that one of the other ladies brought to her attention that her goal was not conveyed as planned. She wanted to address any confusion.
I’ve met personalities like this before. I identify it as toxic behavior. There is nothing wrong with asking questions to get more information about a topic. There is nothing wrong with not liking my content. It is okay that she didn't see value in my content. The issue was the problem with hearing others give me my praise.
I remember asking her why she invited me if she didn't like what I created, to begin with. She stated that she did and explained how her culture communicates. She went on to state that she comes off too abrupt at times. I communicated my confusion, heard her apology and decided not to continue with the group.
This experience is one of many experiences we have to be mindful of. We must avoid other personalities alike to maintain healthy relationships. We all need to experience different personalities to help us learn and grow. Adversity is acceptable as long as its for the benefit of our well being.
Five personalities we can do without are:
The One Upper
“You think you have it hard? Let me tell you about my experience.” “Oh girl, that is nothing. Wait until you hear about this.” This personality cannot allow you to stand in celebration or share a vulnerability. They must share what they’ve done to make sure it’s better, improved, and beyond what you’ve shared.
I don’t care if you’ve shared that you woke up feeling amazing. This person will share how their soul got up before they did and how their light shines brighter than yours. They will go on to state that brushing their teeth felt like an orgasm. You know, to top it off. Extreme, but this is the kind of personality that must be one step, one story, and one experience ahead of you.
The problem: This person never wants to let you shine. They do not like it when you have the spotlight. In either pain or joy, they feel like they can’t relate to the things you have going on because they aren’t included.
Shamers expect empathy and rarely give it.
“I told you so” or “If it was me [insert some bullshit they think they would do in your shoes]” are popular statements when conversing with ‘The Shamer’. This person operates in a direct approach which is usually okay. It isn't okay for every situation though. Some people do not understand the importance of timing. They do not understand empathy.
There are a time and place for being direct. There are times when someone requires tough love. Other times a person needs an ear. The desire is to have someone listen and allow them to be human. We all can use more compassion and empathy because none of us are perfect.
The problem: This person does not leave room for your mistakes. They are not compassionate at all. They are quick to point out any bad decisions you’ve made as if they never make mistakes or bad decisions. This person appears to be the ‘know-it-all’. They have a response for everything. They see everyone else's imperfections but their own.
A Gaslighter is a person who loves to power play. They view a conversation as an argument. They think you're "too extra" when confronting them. They use your vulnerabilities as ammunition. They project their shit onto you. The main role of the Gaslighter is to manipulate the victim. When the spotlight is on them, they label the conversation as confrontational. You are the aggressor. They accuse you of the things they are doing. They deny having said anything out of pocket to you, even when you have proof.
The problem: Comprehension goes out of the door because the other person fails to see their role in an event. Communication crashes. They are narcissistic people who judge character based on their own. For example, if they are shady people, they think other people are the same.
Your voice matters. You feelings are valid. People who make you feel anything else don't deserve your energy.
The Yes Man
A person who agrees with everything you say is toxic because there is no accountability. They don't speak up when they know you're wrong. They will never hold you accountable or help you see things from a different view. They fear to show you when your words and actions are wrong because they have something to lose. That 'something' could be someone instead; maybe it's you.
A 'yes man' does not help you grow. You might as well listen to yourself instead of conversing for validation. We must have people around us who can help us, even with protecting us from ourselves.
The problem: People who agree with everything you say will not keep you safe. I will go a step further and say that this is a trust issue. They watch you fail. They watch you hurt. They witness you in pain knowing they have the ability to stop it. Or, at least to present it as a potential issue. The people around you need to also see when you’re not being yourself and to help protect you against yourself. If a friend sees you going down the wrong path, your relationship should be authentic enough for him to try to stop you.
Yes-men can not do this.
The Overzealous Giver
Hmm... you may wonder what the problem with a giver is. Having a giver in your circle is fine. But, a person who gives too much is a red flag and a large caution sign of ‘neglect’. He or she gives the love they didn't receive. The expectation is to 'belong'. In turn, they use you; intentional or unintentional.
This person is toxic because they have unhealed trauma that they need to face. You can not and should not allow dependency. Helping you makes them feel important. It makes them feel needed or wanted. It has nothing to do with you at the core. They have no boundaries. Anything you need, they give even when they do not have it.
The problem: They attach themselves to you. Without saying it, they numb their dependency with you. Your role is usually the one receiving which defaults you as 'the user'. Healthy relationships are reciprocal. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. They aren't too heavy on either side (giver/taker).
Taking from such a fragile heart perpetuates the narrative that you're using them. If you meet someone like this, use your morals. Create a boundary for you and for them.
If they are a friend, attempt to help them. If they're too toxic, distance yourself for a healthy relationship and conscious.
I am a huge advocate for nurturing and monitoring assets. People are no different. The people in our lives should make us better. They should help us with logic and make sound decisions. They should meet us with compassion and empathy. They should also hold us accountable. They must intervene when we head down the wrong path.
We will all meet people from different walks of life. They will be harder or softer on us, but both make us stronger. You'll know the difference.
People who provoke you with malicious intent to challenge you on a constant basis must go. Rid the ones who don't like exclusion and won’t let you shine. Those who agree with everything you say aren't going to protect you from harm. You need people who are objective. Protect the one who gives too much if you can help it. Be ethical. They need love, but don't let them interrupt your space.
Do you associate with people of the like? What other personalities do you suggest we need to avoid for the betterment of our lives? Comment below.