3 Major Signs That Confirm You're A Toxic Person
Compassion Disclaimer: The effects of being toxic can be broad but either way, it does have a negative connotation attached to it. It is understood that not everything that happens to you is because of you. I know there are very sensitive topics out there and this blog post can hit some nerves. Respectfully speaking, I am not talking to you if you’ve experienced unfortunate violating trauma.
At a really low point in my life, I didn’t realize how toxic I was. Not many people could approach me. I was a perfectionist, and avoided the truth about my flaws. Only after I’ve looked back at past experiences did I think, “Damn, I was sour as hell back then” and immediately started being very mindful about how I conversed with others and distributed my energy internally and externally.
I know that everyone can’t handle their own truth. I also know that others don’t think like me. They tend to see the faults in others rather than themselves. They don’t know what the truth looks or feels like. Or, perhaps they really don’t understand how their behavior is toxic. Either way, there are 3 definite signs that confirm your behavior is toxic when:
You are narcissistic
You always talk about yourself and don’t take the time to care about what your listener has to say or even has going on at the present time in their lives. You talk more than you listen. You think about what you’re going to say next instead of actually listening to the person you’re conversing with. You cut the person off to talk about you and every time the subject changes, it always flows back to what you want to talk about. It may not be intentional but if this is a habit of yours, chances are you can be toxic to the people you do this to.
The conversation could be about anything and not necessarily drama or experiences that weren’t in your favor. However, the point is that everything circles back to you. Intentional or not, this toxic behavior appears to be selfish.
Confession: I didn’t realize this at first, but I have narcissistic tendencies. I get so excited about a topic that while the other person is talking, I am thinking of what I want to say. I try to say it before I forget when it becomes my turn to speak. Hey, my attention span is really that short (judge me not, lol)! This isn’t an excuse but it goes to show that the behavior may not be intentional, but it may negatively affect the person on the other end.
The solution: Let’s strive to be more mindful of our interactions with others. Let’s make sure the receiver is strong and attentive enough to receive what we have to say. Most importantly, let’s take time to actually listen to the other party and reciprocate effectively. They may need our ear just as we need theirs.
You have a victim mentality
When things happen, you look at any and everything around you to try to figure out what caused it. Even if it’s for a split second, you figure out what’s related to this thing that happened. It’s never your fault.
You take the cause and effect approach with other people and never for yourself. You want others to be accountable first hand.
There are some things that happen that are out of our control and other things, most things, happen because of the decisions you’ve made. Got that? Things are happening to you because of decisions you’ve made.
No one forced you to spend money, no one forced you to eat out all week, no one forced you to help those people who borrow endlessly and never pay you back.
The solution: Own your shit! Own the decisions you’ve made and the things you were in control of at the time you made them. Take responsibility for maturly handling unfortunate things that has happened to you that were out of your control and move forward.
Always remember. You are 100% responsible for responding to the things that happen to you, in or out of your control.
That brings us to my next point...
You lack accountability
If you lack accountability, chances are you place very low on the respect radar of others.
I get it. You never intend to do harm, it just happens, right? You didn’t intend to hurt that girl or that guy nor did you intend to stay home from work knowing you didn’t have any more vacation days. It happened. People just don’t understand your plight. They misunderstand how you were raised and the standards you hold because of your experiences growing up until now.
The reasons for you being the way you are are endless and as an effect, it causes you to make the decisions you make.
HEY, snap out of it! This is a poor way to think and live your life. Accountability earns respect and trust.
Please stop blaming everything on your childhood. It sounds harsh, but you can’t let it hold you captive and prevent you from living a great life. Because here’s the thing, most of us have childhood trauma. None of us asked to be here and none of our ancestors, grandparents, and parents have the handbook to raising us. Hell, they had childhood trauma too. I say this lightly and as considerate as possible but, most of our parents did their best even if it wasn’t good enough for us.
If you can not be accountable for your own life, you are being a toxic person to others around you. Not being accountable creates unnecessary resentment, regret, animosity, and more. The key here is to be accountable for your own well being (mentally, physically, and financially) and not cause more harm and conflict with others, especially the ones you love.
The solution: Admit when you’ve made a mistake. Admit that you acted out of anger. Admit to yourself that you are healing and need more time. Admit to yourself that you should or should not have made the decisions you’ve made. OWN IT. People who need you need this at minimum.
Bonus! Drama finds you everywhere
Make note: negative energy can only grow by feeding it with more negative energy. If you keep running into the same problems with different people, it is most likely you. Everyone is not hating on you. Everyone who tells you that you’re wrong isn’t trying to be malicious or ill towards you.
We are all human which means we are complicated in our own way. If you see a pattern or repetitive behavior within your environment or people around you at home and/or at work, most likely you are attracting and feeding negative energy somehow.
The solution: Re-evaluate your position. Look at how you are contributing to the madness and make a change.
It hurts to find out that you’ve been the cause of a lot of your pain. In turn, it is also the most rewarding discovery in life if you decide to do something about it. No one is here to save you or hold your hand. We are all trying to love one another the best we can. If you discover that you are a toxic person, look at what you do, how you say things, and the way most of your conversation go. Think:
Am I taking the time to see if the other person I’m venting to is okay before I start ranting?
Did I ask the person are they mentally prepared to receive what I have to give before I start talking?
Did I make sure the person who’s giving actually has it to give before I take for my own personal gain?
Instead of thinking about why something is happening to you, ask yourself, “what is the universe trying to teach/show/tell me”?
Ask yourself “how did I contribute to this outcome?” before blaming others. Remember cause and effect also involves your decisions.
Are the people around me growing or stagnant? Do they look for gossip? Am I the one gossiping or the first person ready to receive the gossip?
Think about how you carry yourself if your intention is not not be toxic and change your behavior. Not only will it be healthy for your own mental state. It will create and nourish healthier relationships with the people you connect with!